I knew it was going to happen. That silvery native was getting long and lanky. To the untrained professional or someone that did not pay for it at a native plant sale it looked a lot like a weed. So I should have known the gardener would think the same.
And I meant to to point it out. But, as I ran back in my room when I saw his truck pull up my first problem was trying to find a clean bra at that hour of the morning. And next to make sure he didn’t cut the grass in the front yard where we had laid sod during the hottest part of the summer. And my husband would be damned if anything but his own lawnmower was going to cut it.
So, I was quite impressed with myself when I actually got out the front door completely dressed before he even had his own mower off the truck. I quickly explained the mowing situation. He could cut the yards with weeds but not the new sod.
And in the same moment I finished explaining in an inadequate mix of English and broken Spanish the twins pried open the front door and came running down the front walk in their jammies. All thoughts of saving the natives evaporated as I scrambled to scoop up the two loose toddlers.
Over an hour had passed before I remembered the weedy looking plant whose fate had concerned me for quite some time and I grabbed my keys to fake a trip out to the car to see if it had survived.
And yep, you guessed it. Gone. But not just the weedy native. Apparently his wife, who does the pruning part of this operation decided that entire portion of the garden needed a more minimalist look. She took out a grassy stand of red and orange lilies that I’m not even sure are technically lilies. And one of those plants that looks like natures version of a fireworks explosion when it blooms. And another little purple one I couldn’t even begin to name. Yeah well she took them ALL out.
And you know something, as I stood there trying to breathe rather than scream, to explain rather then rant, it never occurred to me even once to hit him. In fact when he offered to pay for them I didn’t even accept because I felt it would bite too much into his income.
So, then why when kids do something wrong is it ok in our brains to hit them?
I’ll admit I’ve had many stressful moments where I’ve had to actively talk myself out of it. The temptation of getting my point across in a split second. The instant end to an ongoing struggle. And by ongoing I mean months in some cases.
So, why is it so easy to keep myself from even considering smacking my gardener and not always my own kids? I whole heartedly don’t believe it is a good way to teach kids anything. Especially considering it it is my job to teach them that hitting is not an acceptable way to solve problems. And if I hit them to solve my problems, well then it is to be expected they’ll hit to solve theirs.
But if I told you I hit my gardener would you react the in the same way as if I had told you I spanked my kid?
Great post! Why is it that we are programmed like that? One of our kids does something that we deem completely unacceptable and our first instinct is to give them a smack, we’d never do that to a stranger or heck any adult. I never thought of it that way before but you make a good point! I admit I’ve spanked in the past a time or two or three but when my kids just laughed at me I gave it up. Apparently I don’t have the sternness to pull it off properly or my hand is too small or something. It never worked for me back in the day so I didn’t start it with the younger set.
Me too, I’ve had my moment, or two or three of spanking. But when my four year old gets angry and says “I’m gonna spank you” how do you explain the double standard?
Oh don’t worry I would have been tempted to smack the living daylights out of the gardener. I probably would have told him as much LOL
I however rarely spank my children…for all the reasons you stated and also I found that it didn’t work with my eldest daughter she seemed to almost crave the negative attention. I use time-outs for me that is and then address the situation now. Some days I slip because a slap is the swiftest way to get a response but most day thankfully I am a slap free mama.
Gardener however still need to watch out!
Actually, I think you did want to hit your neighbor’s gardener… but that’s another story for another day ;-)
My #3 has taken it upon herself to scold and spank #4 on the head, repeatedly, on my behalf – like when I’m on the potty, and I see her opening the front door and yell out to her to shut it NOW, #3 will run to her sister and shout NO and smack her. I really don’t know why… #3 and #4 super rarely get a swat. I save it for the ones who can communicate and use swats when they simply CHOOSE to be naughty and smirk about it.
PS — However, for my #1 & #2, when they do NOT want to do what I say (simple things like picking up the toys, brushing their teeth, etc.), I repeat myself and add, “The next time, I’ll say it with a spanking” … I rarely have to back up my words.
As a Parent Educator working for a Children’s Mental Health organization, there are several reasons why I would never support spanking your child – under any circumstance. I love the perspective you have taken – you’re right. As adults we would not smack another adult (usually) for doing something we don’t like – we may think it, but most of us would never do it but for some reason we think it is OK to hit children – who learn way more from our actions than our words. So when we hit, we are teaching them that is what to do when you are angry at someone. But, my biggest concern with spanking is, that the person who your child loves and trusts the most in the world is allowed to “hit” you. So, we are teaching our children it is OK to be hit by a person that “loves” us.
My parents used to smack my siblings and I, and while we often deserved it, I lived in FEAR! So I always promised myself I would never hit my kids and I haven’t. I feel like once I do there is no turning back and I don’t want to be tempted to lose control.
Great analogy! I think my mom has wanted to hit her gardener a few times. :)
Yes, I probably would hit my gardener. Lol, just kidding. Today, I was just thinking how spanking seemed like a total waste of time. I just don’t think it works and I’m seriously thinking about abandoning spanking all together. Your analogy was interesting, and is another reason that I will seriously consider not spanking my child. I really liked ParentEducator’s comment– “my biggest concern with spanking is, that the person who your child loves and trusts the most in the world is allowed to “hit” you.” I don’t want my daughters to grow up thinking it is okay for the one you love to hit you.
Exactly my point. Spanking my child (who relies on me for trust love and support on a day to day basis) has more impact on my life and theirs than anyone and anything else. So it seems ironic that hitting them is more socially acceptable than hitting my gardener. Who in this case clearly deserves it!
That was well written. You know what…it would be harder to hear that you hit your gardener than you kids…Kids are harder to reason with than adults who you can talk to. Thats just my take on it. I spank a little…only after the 100th time of no listening. Anywa, nice post.
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That is very true. Limited reasoning skills and verbal skills, coupled with the fact that kids are always with us (unlike the gardener who goes away) makes things exponentially more frustrating.
Your post reminded me of a similar situation with my mother’s gardener. She had brought a plant from Guatemala, smuggles in her shoe, and carefully tended it for a couple of years in a pot before finding a permanent place for it in her yard. After several years it finally flowered, but when the show was over, it looked less than spectacular. The gardener showed up, and well, you can imagine the rest of the story.
My mom wanted to do more than spank that gardener, but she only threatened to fire him and didn’t go through with it. This was not the only blunder.
The difference with a gardener, or any adult, is the ability to reason and consider your actions. Do something wrong and the repercussions can be severely damaging, like losing your job, relationship, or even liberty.
My mother spanked me and my sister, but never in anger. I never got the impression that she was solving her own problems by spanking me, in fact, she would usually cry more than I did. For us, spanking was the severest consequence for not obeying. It didn’t happen often, or even for very long. We learned early on that we had to obey our mother, whether we understood why, or not.
My children are still babies and too young to spank, but I can’t say I never will. My husband and I are still debating it because he is not sure we should. I don’t think that spanking is about getting out any frustration or making the parent feel better, or for any sort of retribution. If I do, I will employ this method with the comfort of knowing that it didn’t scar me, but instead helped me to take my mother seriously.