You can buy all the books like What to Expect when you’re Expecting, Sleep Training for Dummies, and How to have a Zen Baby. But when it comes down to it and that little baby is in your arms you learn a few things your mother and all those books never even mentioned. Most especially your mother because she had her career as a grandmother at stake.
1) Your abdominal muscles are not going to forgive you anytime soon.
Recovery time after being stretched like a Gumby doll is going to be at least twice as long as the time it took to grow that baby. And exponentially longer if you had more than one in there at a time. But, they most likely will not ever look the same.
2) Breast feeding can give you stretch marks on your boobs. Which by the way are not going to ever be half as perky as they were before. But no matter because they are now more commonly thought of as a snack bar, and all cuteness is pretty much out of the question.
3) You thought granny panties were big, wait til you see the ones they give you to wear in the hospital after delivery.
4) Motherhood causes one to refer to oneself in the third person.
And no not by the name your parents gave you but, “Mommy.” “Mommy said no.” Will become your go to phrase for quite some time.
5) But not to worry. Because even when the kid is older you will be, “so and so’s mommy.” So you can practically forget using your real first name and not even notice it’s gone.
6) There are teams to be chosen. Breastfeeding vs. Formula, CIO vs. Attachment, Homeschool vs. traditional school, mom jeans vs. still trying to be a teenager jeans, green organic mommy vs. diet coke and fries mommy, and the list goes on so choose wisely and carefully the members of these teams mean business.
7) Laundry is now the driving force behind your sanity. And don’t be fooled that little seven pound bundle of joy can produce his own weight in dirty laundry by the hour!
8 ) The more kids you have the harder it is to carry on a conversation with friends who do not have kids. This boils down to one factor. Eye contact. Before you had kids you could afford to have eye contact with whomever you were speaking to. Now you must keep your eyes on the wandering children and keep tabs at all times on locations and activities. People without children will stop talking when you look away and never be able to complete a sentence let alone the conversation.
9) Yes, it does get easier. People will tell you that a lot. But, not let on to the fact that the minute it gets easier they get mobile. So, while that little guy may be able to feed himself his own breakfast now. He can also tun through the halls screaming after tearing off his own diaper.
10) It is even more fun than you thought it was going to be. But, you have got to be fast if you’re gonna keep up so wear some comfortable shoes!
Hahaha awesome list. Seriously I too was shocked to see the ‘granny pants’ they gave me at the hospital. ;) Those eyes contacts are so true to the dot. Couldn’t agree more. It’s like they have a mind of their own and starts wondering following the kidlings isn’t?
i love your list! and soooo true. what’s up with suddenly only talking in the third person? i have to be careful around my adult friends these days… and try to talk like a normal person. some attempts are more successful than others.
This made me laugh out loud! I swore up and down when I was pregnant that I would never refer to myself as Mommy. Now I do it at least 100 times a day!!
I guess 11 should be anything you ever thought “my kid will never do that…” when you saw someone else’s kid do, God is going to make sure your kids does at least once just for giggles!
What a great list! I especially loved #6. It’s funny how polarizing certain decisions are. Plus, you have like three seconds to decide on things that will put you on a certain team forever. Like there isn’t enough pressure already…
This post made me think a lot. My mind kept wandering to it when I was falling asleep and I was still thinking about it this morning. Here are a few I wish my mother had told me:
1. You will mourn the loss of your old life. Motherhood is amazing, but it will change you forever. You will never take another breath without thinking of your children first. This feels very overwhelming at times.
2. Invest in a good eye-cream now. Motherhood rapidly ages you.
3. You can’t have it all. You will constantly be searching for the perfect balance. You may never feel like you have achieved synergy. Work, marriage, motherhood, the home, YOURSELF- something has to give.
Thanks for such a thought provoking post. How refreshing!
So true about the eye cream. After the twins were born I went to a direct sales party for skin care products and when they asked me which eye cream I liked best I said all of them! I’ll take one of each. And the lady actually tried to talk me out of it!
This is a GREAT list and so true too! Thanks for sharing. :)
*snort, chuckle!*
This made me smile :) I completely agree with your list! Stoppign by from SITS & I’m blogging it forward today :)
I never imagined, when handed something to me by one of my angels, I would have to ask what it was? My booger. Guess I didnt’ learn my lesson the first time, held my hand out for yet another child, what is this?? thinking rock, mulch,heaven forbid dog do, nope a piece of his poop he didnt’ want in his unders anymore!
I don’t get paid enough for this!
you forgot the fact that your bust size after ballooning to playboy cupsize will deflate and possibly be two cup sizes smaller than before you were pregnant (From full B to maybe As that’s me) :(
I don’t even have kids yet, and I feel like I’ve already had to pick a ‘team’ on certain issues, because I get dragged into all the discussions. I’m not sure my opinion means anything.
These are right on! No one tells you how hard it is going to be. Seriously! But I guess every child is different and as moms we constantly have to make adjustments which isn’t always easy!
This made me chuckle every step of the way. No matter the differences in our cultures, backgrounds, ethnicities and race – motherhood DOES put us all in the same boat. I can relate to every single thing on your list!
Love your post! Will you consider making one called “10 things nobody ever tells you when you are having twins”? I am a new mommy blogger and I look forward to reading more of your posts :)